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April 4, 2010
Sometime in the afternoon…
Sitting amongst the trees, opening blooms to the wind;
A blue sky outstretched overhead
And consuming everything under it’s cloak.
I am smaller
than I was yesterday.
A speck, on the back porch steps. Small in comparison. My flesh tones, camouflaged in contrast to the massive tones of earth and sky around me.
I am here, merely as an existence. It is up to my conscious thinking- what it is that I give of myself - that decides what my existence will serve. I may as well allow my existence to serve ME with opportunity, with a chance to learn, a chance to embrace, An opportunity to make choices. I choose, to coexist. I am not any greater or any lesser than those elements that surround me.
Simplicity is fine, in it’s finest form. Deviation leads to complication.
Normalcy is molded; a concept; not a factor. A consequence, not inevitability.
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***Words stretch out across this page, they pour from a reservoir of inner thought - although I don’t think it to be
My sanctuary. Not nearly.
Sanctity is questionable.
Solitude is often. Loneliness can consume your soul, even when you are surrounded by love and people and things which you hold love for.
Something tears a ribbon of trust away from the box inside that stays locked. It’s as though some shavings remain under the lock pad, as if someone attempted to break in, but couldn’t endure the work.
So they walk away, leaving a partial footprint and a mess to clean up. In every sense of those words - is what happens. When a void opens, something has to fill it. The contents are always different - it depends on the person.
Different pains for all f us. Different vices; various poisons to numb the pain of having that gaping hole.
Maybe it’s food, maybe it’s drugs. Gambling. Senseless, emotionless gratification. All the while, still leaving the hole;
Still
Abandoning hope
And still feeling the need
For More
Or Less.
Or nothing.
Maybe anesthetic will make it disappear
At least
From your constant waves of thought.
Envisioning a person; on a dark beach
Waves crashing and threatening to swallow this person whole
And give their soul
To the ocean.
Standing, facing forward this person’s hands are full with their own entrails.
Guts and :
Total disregard and helplessness…
Standing bleeding in the sand
Moments from dying
And fully liberated a
And accepting that the end
Is near. IT is over
No more pain
Or, at least-
We Pray.
--- Break in thoughts….---
IT seems that I have gained the company of peculiar, menacing little people.
They are without features, but they are definitely there, watching with hollow eyes. They live amongst the crevices and containers in my basement, they wait until I am alone, and only then do they make themselves known. They sit and wait to catch me off my guard. These things, once very unnerving to my mental well-being, I now welcome, because at least they entertain my mind. And they keep me good company, in the times when I need the company the most -
Most of the time-
The most desperate of times -
(All the time).
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Copyright K. Anne Smith
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