Yes, The Beach was inspiring...or maybe it was the alcohol...

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June 15, 2010

11 a.m.to Noonish

Surrounded by souls in limbo

I can’t level out my thoughts

Don’t want to stay here

I only want to GO

The fear; the lump in my throat

Choking me; choking on the wishbone

Furiously scribbling

Ready to stab my frustrations into this notebook

Can’t keep up; my fingers, slower than the whirlwind in my head

Some fury builds by the second,

And second guessing my own self

Won’t ever happen again

Because I’ve FOUND MYSELF

AND WHERE ARE YOU AT??

Miserable in Misery

Misery loves company

The resistance is lessening

Tolerance is wearing thin

I’ve opened myself to the beach breezes

Pulled my head from the cloudiness of repression

Watch these waves crash on the sand

And I think of myself

My soul; endless, just like the sea in front of me

Crashing hard, knocking down the weak

Who can’t stand on their own two feet

I’m stronger than you think

You think I’m some kind of addict

But you aren’t without your own bad habits

Being a pessimistic, pissy-ass outlooker

Everyday

Hate it all

But things won’t change; they don’t go away

I’ll embrace

The way I am

And you can’t change

ANYTHING

About that

Again.

_{++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++}

_{OH NO!!!!!!!!!}

Looks like this will be a battle

Of who can be the biggest asshole

I think I’ll take the winnings on this one

And one, I am - with myself

-at times-

But no under scrutiny from people who are supposed to be

On my side

My family

Mi familia - so strange; foreign to me even.

Carrying different energies

I don’t need no one to hold my hand

Or tell me what I need

And what I don’t

I’m in charge of my own karmic wheel of fate

No intervention

No shit - bullshit, I don’t need it

It’s never too late

Not changing anything about me

For anyone but myself

Never have to please anyone; not NOW

I channel my energy into dust around me

It will illuminate my spirit when it’s my time

To be held to the light

And I’m not see-through

I’ll shine on

As a crazy diamond in this sky. I’m not laying down to die

I’ll never do so willingly

I’ll never be

What you think I should be

Fuck THIS.

I wonder - is today my 15^th birthday ?Or maybe a not-so-sweet sixteen?? ‘Cause I feel like I’m grounded and hiding behind a smokescreen.

Hmm….wonder WHY I need something to stay CALM and collected…

Let’s just watch as the

obseSsiVeNeSs gets worse

and the ComPuLSiOnS grow stronger …

And my hair becomes ThiNnER

And my eyes become strained

And my soul is stretched from one corner to another

And I’m wearing thin

I’m wearing out

I’m getting sick to myself

Living in this crawling skin

The Cortex is malfunctioning

Brainwaves inconsistent; not predictable, like the ones (waves) I see in front of me

Hiding behind clouds, is the sun

I try to remember that it’s always there…

But NOW, I don’t want to be strong

Don’t really want to CARE

I’m rambling, and don’t know who listens

Or cares

Don’t care either

Ready to roll into north bound mode

Or drown in the sea, and wash away these things :

that won’t be forgiven

That no one takes the time to listen to

Waste of time

And breath

Wasting away

Geez, yah, you’ve cracked that beer and poured that drink

Awfully early today

Who needs help?

I’m your little mold, remember? Your cookie cutter kid

See, you made this mess

By only being yourself

Now, fucking DEAL WITH IT

“No one can save me, and you know I don’t want the attention…”

So Leave me be

To burn

To learn

To seek and destroy

Time for intermission

Time for Me

To lay it on the line

Time is running out

And patience is running thin

And I’ll unlock the door

To let myself OUT

The day you’ll let me IN.

Ahhhh, the feeling of the ocean air...my head gone numb, and sweet, sweet insanity!

June 17, 2010

3 a.m.; on the beach in North Myrtle, S.C.

Sitting on the sandbar

Sipping on some relief-bearing drinks

This endless ocean in front of me

When will these waves swallow me whole? Or will they at all?

My eye on the north star

In fluid thought, fueled by fluid

I’ve floated rather far

Sand beneath me

And sky overhead

The stars, they guide me

The lightning; my light

(this is a night for my head to be cleared)

On this beach -

I could live here

And die here

But I need you with me FirST

The air in my hair

This vast empty darkness in front of me

So full of life, unseen

Insomnia has me, once again…

Drinking; again.

But awake.

Wide awake. Not wanting to miss the night.

The night, and it’s silences

Are my companion,

My guide,

As always…

3:35 a.m. Still Beachfront, sitting in front of the Atlantic Breeze Hotel…

Vodka, gone.

Two beers down.

Tokiin’ over the line (sweet jesus).

….Sitting here in my solitude

I have my music (now listening: The Mars Volta - Televators)

I have  nearly everything that I’ll ever need. So I wonder - if this precise, singular, solitary, isolated and personal moment -

Could REALLY be good enough for me

Som e of m y favorite things in front of me-

I have m y crutches ( my hang-ups; fixes ,fuck-ups, etc.)

Here with m e

I can finally  unleash my inner demons

They’ve been pent up

A ll day.

“Pull the pins…”

                        (save m e)

“…..save your gra ce…”

                     (may I be redeemed?)

“…mark these words on his grave…”

                     (or will these crutches trip me and put those words                                            in  stone?)

I’m thinking that the only point of being is the pursuit of the sanctity that I have searched for countless times before.

My companions - my:

                           Music.

                           Pen.

                            Paper.

                           Crutches.

                           (god damn these crutches)

I’m not standing out

I’m trying really hard to blend in. One with Earth and Nature.

Respectful of it, and appreciative.

That’s how I want to blend in - mesh together with the sand and sea (night three).

I’m glad that I’ve gotten this opportunity

To basically make sweet, passionate, hot, sweaty LOVE

To myself.

By pleasuring and reconditioning my very soul;

And drenching it -

Actually - completely submersing it

With alcohol

And cigarettes and the weed (the weed, man - it eases my soul)

And the sounds of the sun, and a portal another world, all in front of me.

I am completely oblivious to anything else besides being calm and feeling drunk (satisfied) and not giving

                                         2 fucks

                     About who’s around me

                     Or what they’re doing

              We’re merely passer-bys.

At last, (actually, once again) I sit alone and feel completely ALIVE

And revitalized.
COULD this be

What the beginning of peace feels like?

Darshan.

“Ultimate contentment” in Hindu…

Is it possible -

At all -

That I have begun to reach a point of satisfaction that results in my happiness?

Sure.

Of course!!!!

I give thanks and great praise to our mother; nature - Earth, for allowing the solitude and peacefulness that brought me to this place.

I have now officially separated myself from well, everything -

And had a total spiritual thing  with nature.

And myself.

I’m beginning to learn that our shortcomings all weigh out along the way. They are the result of other emotions, turned to stronger emotions, which will often lead to misunderstandings

And complex, weird

       Utterly overwhelming

       FRUSTRATION about those very things- the shortcomings of others.

It’s all cake at the end of the day….

              ******************************

                           ***************

This notebook is damp. Moist from the ocean air. And about right now, I sort of wish I had someone here that could take a picture of me at this near total contentment . And I can’t help but to think of a photo of someone whom I hold highly in rank of influence on the writing side of my life -

                     Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

In said photo, HST is sitting cross-legged on the beach, cigarette in hand, beers in tow, as he looks away from the camera.

This, is what I have just reminded myself of - (As I), sitting cross-legged on the beach with my drinks, beers, a cigarette in one hand, and a pen in the other -

Looking ahead into the sky and everything surrounding me…

Looking, overly sarcastic and menacingly - at the sky; the intermittent lightning and at the people who walk by.

Back to HST -

(He was) A loud voice, and an individual.

                     -but-

I know that he never wanted what he got. Most of it, yes. But not totally wanting everything else; not in every way.

“Because the devil, was an angel too…”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I WISH that you were here, or that you could at least see me RIGHT now -

I’m a little…

                     Not sober

I’m pretty, well…happy…

And covered in sand . And time is approaching, near and nearer. Soon, I’ll get to have my baby’s beautiful body in my arms, again.

I once heard that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I think of Oliver Stone’s ‘Natural Born Killers’ and Patsy Cline’s “Back in Baby’s Arms”.

              “When them people come here and ask you who done this,

              You tell ‘em - ‘Mickey and Mallory Knox did it! Say it!”

A truly twisted design in the movies that are based on the tangles of love. A fantastic story.

**Insert Big hugE Time Gap HerE***

OH, this night

I’m trying to write

But I am flooded with thoughts in rapid fire succession instead.

I love you, Todd Jacob Williams!!!!

And how I wish; how I wish you were here (we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl OR are we just two misfits that no one else gets?)

HOW I WISH YOU WERe HERE!!!!!

You shou ld  be sitting here in sand with m e…

We could pretend

That we are making our own “Wicked Games” video and be connected and consumed

              By love

                           And Sand…

(Tonight, I write)

              I LOVE YOU

(and don’t worry ‘bout a thing…Cause every little  things gonna  be  a lright)

You are      m y hope

                My  lust

                My  love

                My dope

If   I ca n have YOU

Then, I ca n be ME

And   now, it’s a bout 5 a.m. .a nd  it’s tim e to   leave this beach.

- fin-

Copyright K. Anne Smith

Beaches, Night Skies and.....Drinks, of course!

At Myrtle Beach…

June 18, 2010

6:52 a.m.

Up all night and still awake. Same deal as the night before, except that I’m completely sober this evening (or morning). Restless, restless. Fidgety legs and hands and fingers. Fluttering eyelashes with wide open eyelids. I am becoming a little worried about a few things. I have had no medicine to keep my brain from feeling overloaded and very strange. I can feel my heart skipping beats. Palpitations, growing frequent and more pronounced as moments pass. There’s the tightening feeling in my chest, and the air becomes thicker as my breathing becomes seemingly more and more labored and heavy.

Hopefully, it will pass as I allow the skin to slip over my eyes and hope for a better feeling when I awake…

Copyright K. Anne Smith