5:17 p.m.
Mentally mind-fucking myself. I am freaking out. Perhaps even over-reacting. The anxiety today has heightened the longer I am awake. I wander....and I wonder....
I think I am such an asshole that I don't even realize it most of the time.
Whoops.
I said something fucked up; again. No surprise.
I hope this drug calms me, as it is supposed to. My inner thoughts are torturing me; my instincts are telling me that something is amiss in life.
Years of being talked down to and cheated on; run off from, ditched for drinking time instead of family time, has fucked my thinking up. That's normal I guess.
Instinct or intuition, whichever it is - is telling me that something is wrong. The crazy-insane mad love we had for each other at the beginning of the web we tangled has seemed to start fading. He seems annoyed, distant and dare I say - cold. This man, that was supposedly SO upset when he thought he might have lost me and my friendship - the tears he said he shed - I don;t know if that feeling is the same. My picture at his bedside has been tucked away into an out-of-sight place now. I wish he would TALK to me about what's going on with him, what he's thinking...
I have begun to feel that he has regrets in asking me to live with him. I am only trying to help him - make a nice house; good food to eat...I put him before myself, most of the time. I am not seeing any appreciation for that lately. I feel that I am making his life miserable. That his regretting the way things have worked out. I want to give him his space, but some very strange, seething jealousy washes over me. Which is very strange, because it is not typical for me to feel that way, at all. Probably I feel that way because he seems to avoid my eyes; ignores my questions and is generally crabby and distant when it comes to the "guy time" thing. Whatever. But it makes me wonder if he even likes me at all anymore.
(NOTE TO SELF: I don't want to type all this bullshit out anymore, So I stopped right in the middle of it. )
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