Friday, December 11, 2009


Broken. 
Standing the middle of a room, 
playing a razor blade 
                               over veins
Like you would with a bow -
over the strings of a violin

But the chords you play
are screams of  pain
these songs you make 
are violent 
Leave me silenced 
Yet here, in one place; I stay
Sitting in the corner, watching
Letting the skin slip over my eyes

I won't look.
I won't look. 

I can't stay.
I'd get up and walk away 
If it weren't for these pins in my legs
Nails through the hands 
This corner, my crucifix
My head can only hang


These place, 
These in-betweens
Enjoyed in silence
And engaged by all means


Strung

Stuck
Back in a corner
"into your corner"
where two walls meet is silence 
The other two walls,  a grave
The door that stands wide open
Could be the only way
to get saved....
Still, we remain....
























(holding in breath; screaming; pleading - Feel helpless sometimes; the moment always fleeting)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

A Modern Gunslinger Of Sorts....A Work In Progress, and Thus yet - untitled...



Considerations.
Feeling as though I’m hovering over sand, I consider many things. The distance of the red rock arches, set far back on the horizon line. The sun is setting. Everything is luminescent, glowing red.
Am I in Hell?
No, can’t be.
It’s just an illusion.
None of this is real.
The still-hot sun burns my shoulders, back and the top of my head. This, I thought – was why Mexicans wear sombreros. To beat the heat. So that the skin on the skull does not shrivel like a raisin. On my face though, I feel a breeze. Dry, hot air; but a breeze, nonetheless. It makes me pause, but only for a moment. Must…keep…moving.
My surroundings were surreal. The landscape aglow, I moved on as the lonely traveler, hovering over the expanse of the red desert.
My feet began to dig into the sand as my legs grew tired and increasingly heavy.
Fucking wreckage.
I turned slowly, facing East. There it was, about 400 yards away. It sat, bellowing thick tendrils of smoke. I had smashed it, and watched it burn. My only options lie straight ahead –
Walk.
Or die.
And I hadn’t yet felt like dying, so I chose the latter option.
The sharp jagged red-rock-horizon had almost entirely consumed the sun. As the desert wind whistled though, it picked up a few loose strands of hair and tickled my neck with them. Chills. A crawling sensation engulfed the lower vertebrae of my spine. My eyes slipped, or rather, fluttered shut. I slowly knelt down on one knee and let myself melt into the almost searing desert rock. Not much sand here, but it would do. Rest was needed.
Shrugging off the backpack from my shoulders, I melted once again, nestling my head into it, as if it were a pillow. The cover of eyelids slipped over my eyes once again. My thoughts, almost immediately became rapid-fire; racing. My heart pumped as if it would burst.
“It’s on fucking…fire.”
I opened my eyes. The vision was vividly burnt into my memory. Sigh. I let my eyes slip shut once again.
“Calm,” I said, slowly, exhaling the word as it was a whisper …
“Calmmmmmmmm.”




Just then, a circus of thought broke through my lucidity. These images came as furiously as they had quickly fleeted.
Tigers. Osiris Shriners Circus.
Tight ropes. Comin’ to yer city, folks.
Fire.

“Fire,” I said aloud, with more exclamation than I had spoken the word ‘calm.
Room service, I thought. I was in dire need…of a drink. I thought of pictures:
Flags. Gas Masks. Provocatively shot black and white photographs of completely innocent body parts – hands, lips…closed eyes.
It was then that I realized that I was not the lonely traveler I had
aforementioned.

She was lying next to me, about three feet to my left. She almost resembled a sleeping sculpture the way she laid, carved out in great detail. Shadows and highlights very carefully marked. She was thin and long. Drawing her longs in, and forcing her body into a ball, she tried to cover the bare skin of her legs using her arms. Re-draping herself with more skin, if you will.

“This is fucking crazy” she says.

With one eye open, I tilt my head to look at her. I nod.
She shakes her head silently, in response. Squinting at the sun, she stretched out, inching closer to me. The setting sun’s red beams caught her open eye and danced there for a moment –
Bright, vivid blue, like the sky that suspended itself overhead.
She smiled.
“We’re basically fucked, you know…”
“Yeah,” I sighed, “I know.”
“At least we have the nighttime to rest…and not stroke out in the sun…” her voice trailed off as she turned her head over her shoulder.
Standing abruptly, she reached into her pocket.
“…And, I have This.”
Clever. A joint. She lit it, and handed it to me. Breathing deep and long, I allowed my eyes to shut again. 200 fucking miles to the lights of the city…
I felt myself beginning to experience vertigo.
At least the fire from the wrecked car was in the distance. It was brighter than the moon. It helped me to keep my bearings.
This,
was not
a dream.


 (more to come)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Why does everything always got to be so fucked up?

No matter what I do everything fails. Kurt Cobain said it best, I have never failed to fail.  Despair is what I feel, my son, a bitch for a mom, mother of the year.  Thank you Trix for allowing me yet another place to vent.  Life is a roller coaster of emotions, I am emotionless.  I can't take the pressure or the pain, I want to scream out, but no one would hear me, no one would care, for I am a fucked up individual.  You see the fucked up side, I fucked my guitar as you watched, never have I let anyone watch.  Things seem hopeless, never ending, living on pain pills to ease the mind, addicted to Xanax and Klonopin to ease my soul.  I hope you like my after the darkest times.


Monday, September 21, 2009

There is a person...who can kiss my ass...but she actually wants to kiss my ass...so....Weird...



Photo by Kerri A. Smith

Get up from this set up
Drained of clarity
Yet seeing 20/20
The Words, scars, stars, lies and tears
The bottom of the bucket

W rite, read it to you 


And you listen 
I listen and and you spill your mess
All over my kitchen

Like my words?
Spoken true
Deep as still water; 
Deeper
Than You.

Click. Hangup. 
Jealousy is reeking.
Click, times two.
Mind games and head fucks
unreeling. 

Gaurds Up
Shots Up
Wings down, arms folded
Thumbs tucked
A crazy tie of families
Bound together by a Star

Tolerance for the consumed, 
eaten alive by what they consume

Robbed (of truth)
Missing (pieces)
Stories (changing)
Guards, still poised
I remain at stance
and the mentality is unbreaking

Panicked, nervous and full of fear and adrenaline
The ignited is vanquished 
When you leave
To go back home, again. 

 

Wam, Bam, Thank You, Sam.

Your colors are as true as the kind that come in a bottle
15 minute fix to cover your roots
But it seems that you've buried your whole tree instead.

I used to speak highly of you. Now, drinking nightly, I find fun rhymes to spray about you.
Truth becomes evident as time goes on
And now, I feel malevolence; a storm is coming on.

Hell, Fire, Floods and Battles. Pill Head Husbands. Asshole exes.
I was there.
One moment, when I needed you
You did the favor; and returned a deed
It showed  how much you really cared.

Ask for my help...
Distrusts and judgements never mattered when I helped you
When you needed me
When you needed "huge favors" and blew me off in return
I Helped you
With your life, your kids and all your ruckus.

You're as fucking real as Santa Claus.
You devastate your life
Your kids, are the way they are because of your verbal and emotional strife
Hope that it's all good now,
Things are swell for me
Your ex-boy has become our friend
And we tell him that he did right
When he asked YoU to leave...


-peace-

11:33 p.m. September 17, 2009...Madness



Speak of the Devil;
I puke and I Scream
Through smoke and mirrors
and conversation
Appears this devil, in a dream:

"I'll be your friend. I'll make your world. I"m trustworthy and I'm loyal. And Fuck what you heard."

To the left, on my shoulder
An angel sits
it's panicked
it's eager for violence
IT's silenced, and tells me nothing.
The devil to the right-
In my face, ears, eyes, rib and limbs
Conjures untruths freely
And makes that call to me
Anytime my mind crosses the thought of it...
My head between two anvils -
An angel-
a devil.




Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jefferson County 'Justice-as-just-does' Center Anxiety; Tuesday Afternoon



Feeling nervous; kids in two
File this motion; Before the ship goes undertow

Knee-deep in madness
([and I] Can't begin the explanation)
Contributing to your sadness-
Sorry, but this victory will be mine 
(Again)

Children born from sticky situations 
of more than one kind
Lead so blindly by a father 
With no extra time

Ask you for a favor-
Your return is an excuse
You question my existence
Just know-
Through all the years - 
I've questioned yours, too.


You'll have to bow down
Suck it up

Pay what you owe;stop delivering blows


THAT shit - is over
That bridge has burnt
The ship  has sunk
From the holes  you punched through it
and now, 
you're sitting  in and sifting through the wet dirt
(Looking for your missing pieces?)
Wondering what went wrong?
For a lot of years, the lyrics have changed
But you've still played me the same song-




-Hit Pause.
I eject the disc
Oh, this was yours, too - 
Here-
You can have it;

It's your repetitive  injuries contained within another's voice; 
swapped for your own silence and swords
I always spoke my own mind 
And you could never understand
(Maybe I should've used smaller words)


So I tilt my glass to smell this wine
This toast - to life becoming good again- 
Is Mine. 
Remain the same, You always did.
Like a broken angel with no wings
Atop an ancient grave, sunlight  beams through shadows; 
casts upon you
Shine through you
and I see that you have stayed unchanged.
Now you're unchained, so , in your travels, good luck
And your girls, they really miss you  much.
Suppose we'll see where the tide lands...Suppose I'll be standing, pacing, screaming while a wait for  the tide to break...
Lessons learned the hard way,
You lost me, You had me, and you fucked up anyway.
Think about yourself
And your ways. 
I've always been the same, 
But you, may never change.

Is That All There Is?

4:47 a.m.


Nearly 25 minutes ago, I welcomed this storm, these claps of thunder; built for Thor, and the illuminating electricity that preceded every crack of this fervent and fevered bellowing.

How suiting.
The rage of this storm, however, did not overshadow the ferocity of the looming maelstrom brewing inside of my gut. My head. My entire being...

Then...
           the downpour.
Electric luminosity touched all the rooftops and the hilltops and seems to threaten to creep into this open window. I hope it does.

Bwa-thump.
My heart.

Purple skies; everything shining at this ridculous hour, sparkling with what I will call 'glittering generality".
Then the rain fell harder.  Streams of water soaked the window and the sill and streaks of high voltage pierced through the sky like some sort of malicious dagger. And came the rain, harder still.
The reverberating boom still did not drown out the sound of my worry.

4:57 a.m.
It looks like daylight. A fleeting glimpse of doomed, repetitive and strobe (day) light. I am still waiting...I consider making my way outside to the front yard and lying in the grass, staring into this wicked storm. Seems tempting. The street fills with water, slowly. But, it is absolutely happening. Slowly. But surely. A moment - only for a moment- does that serious consideration of lying in this lightning storm come back to me. Maybe, it would wash away layers of shroud on the eyes. Maybe it would drown me. And maybe, like most everything: nothing. Nothing at all would happen.

Typical.

Don't know how much longer I will watch and wait. Sleep for an hour, through this evil, unsettling stretch of territorial and torrential flood. It is my own, in many ways...


- fin-

Currently listening:
Laced
By Reveille
Release date: 1999-06-22

untitled 1

The explicitness
The exuberant
       Joyful, sleeping lust
That waits to be awaken
The moment
The times we remember
The times we cannot forget

The times that seem to haunt us
and to never loosen the grip they have
on our souls

Peace to you, dear friend
Be well on your way
Never forget the time that we had

And never
forget
My wicked ways


© 2002 Kerri A. Smith
-2002-

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Paper Trail From Houston (December, 2002)


The Paper Trail from Houston….

December 2002

The End of the Journey… And Into the Mouth of Madness of the Next One…

I chased the last fading dream of city living into the dimming glimmer of tall mirror-glass buildings as the sun sets over the skyline. With a deep sigh and a long, concentrated drag off of my cigarette, I stood on top of what I had claimed as my empire. Within hours, I would have to turn it away. I came here with virtually nothing; was leaving with nothing, but I had lost everything.

I stood unmoved amongst the hanging humidity and smell of water in the air. It was thick and heavy. Almost visible. This is shorts and t-shirt weather. I was going to miss this. My long and weary drudge to the northern part of the country is inevitable. And it had to happen, no matter how bleak and cold it promised to be. And the bleakness was almost guaranteed. And the cold, well, it came in more forms than just the temperature. It was a promise too. “Damned unto itself because of itself,” I thought. Soon the ever present wailing of sirens would cease. And I would once again be paying more mind to my conscious thoughts. I would no longer be amused by the endless stream of new faces and different cultures, music, food; everything.

Instead, I will soon be growing tired and return to the place that I had strived for years to break from. Depressing? Quite. I wasn’t handling it that well…

The ties that did once bind had already long been severed. So once again, I find myself starting over. This time though, I go alone. I have no choice or option.

My heart is growing heavy and my nerves are wearing very thin. My heartbeat seems to get louder. Faster. Almost deafening. This stress takes its toll. And I’m on the road to the homeland once again.

The Unrest; Constant Thoughts; Inspirations for the Constant Mental Breakdowns..(condensed)

I’m not too sure when it was that I figured out a very important fact of my life – that I was doomed, or perhaps the appropriate word is destined – to repeat the bad parts of my life over and over again.. Now, I’ve heard it said before that you must move forward if you expect change. Well, I‘ve done that. I’ve picked up the broken pieces of my life and moved them 1,500 miles away from the comforting familiarity of ‘home’. New job, new faces, new scenery. Same bullshit. Out of one relationship and into another. And at times, I feel so alone, still.

I’ve found that you really can’t run from your problems. They always come back to haunt you. And it’s not that the problems ever actually disappear; they only follow you.

Nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide.

No matter how far you go.

Regret is a word I’ve always tried to keep out of my vocabulary. I try not to regret thing I’ve done, but to regret the things that I haven’t. However, there is one thing- one single thing out of my entire fucking life that I DO regret. And it’s not easy for me, either – regretting, that is… The one solitary thing that brings shame to my heart, tears to my eyes and strikes fear deep into my soul is the innocent child that I wasn’t strong enough for. That I couldn’t be strong enough for. What a fucking failure. I’d killed myself in a mental fashion so many times over for this. In one motion, I destroyed the meaning of an average childhood, a happy childhood. A happy, innocent life. Never asked to be here. Never asked for anything. I created this. And I ran away. I think about how this feeling I have MUST be what it is like to have a weapon fire a round through the chest cavity. It fucking hurts. It burns. It doesn’t ever go away. Like living with a butcher knife protruding from your chest at all times. That was all. I left behind those little fingers and toes, the tiny voice that could speak only a few words…My son’s. A once smiling and happy face I can now imagine had turned indifferent. Hateful. Spiteful. Maybe. He is only two. It’s up to his adult influences to see how hateful and spiteful they can turn him. His life is in chaos.

And it is my fault.


Currently listening:
Blood Sugar Sex Magik
By Red Hot Chili Peppers
Releas




Acupressure Points for Relieving Anxiety and Nervousness.......


Category: Life
Subject: Anxiety-..related acupressure points Body:
..Working on these points can help you get better
quicker. You do not have to use all of these points. Using just one or two of them whenever you have a free hand can be effective.
Points (A) -- Heavenly Pillar
Location: One finger width below the base of the skull on the ropy muscles one-half inches outward from the spine. Benefits: Relieves stress, over exhaustion, insomnia, heaviness in the
head, eyestrain, stiff necks, swollen eyes, and sore throats.

Points (B) -- Heavenly Rejuvenation
Location: On the shoulders, midway between the base of the neck and the outside of the shoulders,
one-half inch below the top of the shoulders. Benefits: Relieves nervous tension and stiff necks; increases resistance to colds and flu. It is also good for the lungs. Acupressure Points for Relieving Anxiety and Nervousness.Working on these points can help you get better quicker. You do not have to use a


Points (C) -- Crooked Marsh-- on both side of arm Location: On the inside of the arm at the lowerend of the elbow crease when the arm is bent.
Benefits: Relieves nervous stomach, anxiety, arm pain, elbow pain, and chest discomfort.

Points (D) -- Inner Gate-- on both side of arm Location: In the middle of the inner side of the forearm two and one-half finger widths from the wrist crease. Benefits: Relieves nausea,
anxiety, palpitations, and wrist pain.

Points (E) -- Spirit Gate-- on both sides of arm Location: On the little finger side of the forearm at the crease of the wrist. Benefits: Relieves
emotional imbalances, fear, nervousness, anxiety, and forgetfulness.

anxiety and nervousness. Points (C) -- Crooked Marsh-- on both side of arm Location On the inside of the arm at the lowerend of the elbow c
Points (F) -- Third Eye Point
Location: Directly between the eyebrows, in the indentation where the bridge of the nose meets the forehead. Benefits: Calms the body to relieve nervousness.
Points (G) -- Sea of Tranquility
Location: On the center of the breastbone, three thumb widths up from the base of the bone. Benefits:
Relieves nervousness, anxiety, chest tension, anguish, depression, hysteria, and other emotional imbalances.

anxiety and nervousness.Points (F) -- Third Eye PointLocation Directly between the eyebrows, in the indentation where the bridge of the n....