Jefferson County 'Justice-as-just-does' Center Anxiety; Tuesday Afternoon

Feeling nervous; kids in two
File this motion; Before the ship goes undertow

Knee-deep in madness
([and I] Can't begin the explanation)
Contributing to your sadness-
Sorry, but this victory will be mine 
(Again)

Children born from sticky situations 
of more than one kind
Lead so blindly by a father 
With no extra time

Ask you for a favor-
Your return is an excuse
You question my existence
Just know-
Through all the years - 
I've questioned yours, too.


You'll have to bow down
Suck it up

Pay what you owe;stop delivering blows


THAT shit - is over
That bridge has burnt
The ship  has sunk
From the holes  you punched through it
and now, 
you're sitting  in and sifting through the wet dirt
(Looking for your missing pieces?)
Wondering what went wrong?
For a lot of years, the lyrics have changed
But you've still played me the same song-




-Hit Pause.
I eject the disc
Oh, this was yours, too - 
Here-
You can have it;

It's your repetitive  injuries contained within another's voice; 
swapped for your own silence and swords
I always spoke my own mind 
And you could never understand
(Maybe I should've used smaller words)


So I tilt my glass to smell this wine
This toast - to life becoming good again- 
Is Mine. 
Remain the same, You always did.
Like a broken angel with no wings
Atop an ancient grave, sunlight  beams through shadows; 
casts upon you
Shine through you
and I see that you have stayed unchanged.
Now you're unchained, so , in your travels, good luck
And your girls, they really miss you  much.
Suppose we'll see where the tide lands...Suppose I'll be standing, pacing, screaming while a wait for  the tide to break...
Lessons learned the hard way,
You lost me, You had me, and you fucked up anyway.
Think about yourself
And your ways. 
I've always been the same, 
But you, may never change.

Is That All There Is?

4:47 a.m.

Nearly 25 minutes ago, I welcomed this storm, these claps of thunder; built for Thor, and the illuminating electricity that preceded every crack of this fervent and fevered bellowing.

How suiting.
The rage of this storm, however, did not overshadow the ferocity of the looming maelstrom brewing inside of my gut. My head. My entire being...

Then...
           the downpour.
Electric luminosity touched all the rooftops and the hilltops and seems to threaten to creep into this open window. I hope it does.

Bwa-thump.
My heart.

Purple skies; everything shining at this ridculous hour, sparkling with what I will call 'glittering generality".
Then the rain fell harder.  Streams of water soaked the window and the sill and streaks of high voltage pierced through the sky like some sort of malicious dagger. And came the rain, harder still.
The reverberating boom still did not drown out the sound of my worry.

4:57 a.m.
It looks like daylight. A fleeting glimpse of doomed, repetitive and strobe (day) light. I am still waiting...I consider making my way outside to the front yard and lying in the grass, staring into this wicked storm. Seems tempting. The street fills with water, slowly. But, it is absolutely happening. Slowly. But surely. A moment - only for a moment- does that serious consideration of lying in this lightning storm come back to me. Maybe, it would wash away layers of shroud on the eyes. Maybe it would drown me. And maybe, like most everything: nothing. Nothing at all would happen.

Typical.

Don't know how much longer I will watch and wait. Sleep for an hour, through this evil, unsettling stretch of territorial and torrential flood. It is my own, in many ways...


- fin-

Currently listening: Laced By Reveille Release date: 1999-06-22

untitled 1

The explicitness
The exuberant
       Joyful, sleeping lust
That waits to be awaken
The moment
The times we remember
The times we cannot forget

The times that seem to haunt us
and to never loosen the grip they have
on our souls

Peace to you, dear friend
Be well on your way
Never forget the time that we had

And never
forget
My wicked ways


© 2002 Kerri A. Smith
-2002-

The Paper Trail From Houston (December, 2002)

The Paper Trail from Houston….

December 2002

The End of the Journey… And Into the Mouth of Madness of the Next One…

I chased the last fading dream of city living into the dimming glimmer of tall mirror-glass buildings as the sun sets over the skyline. With a deep sigh and a long, concentrated drag off of my cigarette, I stood on top of what I had claimed as my empire. Within hours, I would have to turn it away. I came here with virtually nothing; was leaving with nothing, but I had lost everything.

I stood unmoved amongst the hanging humidity and smell of water in the air. It was thick and heavy. Almost visible. This is shorts and t-shirt weather. I was going to miss this. My long and weary drudge to the northern part of the country is inevitable. And it had to happen, no matter how bleak and cold it promised to be. And the bleakness was almost guaranteed. And the cold, well, it came in more forms than just the temperature. It was a promise too. “Damned unto itself because of itself,” I thought. Soon the ever present wailing of sirens would cease. And I would once again be paying more mind to my conscious thoughts. I would no longer be amused by the endless stream of new faces and different cultures, music, food; everything.

Instead, I will soon be growing tired and return to the place that I had strived for years to break from. Depressing? Quite. I wasn’t handling it that well…

The ties that did once bind had already long been severed. So once again, I find myself starting over. This time though, I go alone. I have no choice or option.

My heart is growing heavy and my nerves are wearing very thin. My heartbeat seems to get louder. Faster. Almost deafening. This stress takes its toll. And I’m on the road to the homeland once again.

The Unrest; Constant Thoughts; Inspirations for the Constant Mental Breakdowns..(condensed)

I’m not too sure when it was that I figured out a very important fact of my life – that I was doomed, or perhaps the appropriate word is destined – to repeat the bad parts of my life over and over again.. Now, I’ve heard it said before that you must move forward if you expect change. Well, I‘ve done that. I’ve picked up the broken pieces of my life and moved them 1,500 miles away from the comforting familiarity of ‘home’. New job, new faces, new scenery. Same bullshit. Out of one relationship and into another. And at times, I feel so alone, still.

I’ve found that you really can’t run from your problems. They always come back to haunt you. And it’s not that the problems ever actually disappear; they only follow you.

Nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide.

No matter how far you go.

Regret is a word I’ve always tried to keep out of my vocabulary. I try not to regret thing I’ve done, but to regret the things that I haven’t. However, there is one thing- one single thing out of my entire fucking life that I DO regret. And it’s not easy for me, either – regretting, that is… The one solitary thing that brings shame to my heart, tears to my eyes and strikes fear deep into my soul is the innocent child that I wasn’t strong enough for. That I couldn’t be strong enough for. What a fucking failure. I’d killed myself in a mental fashion so many times over for this. In one motion, I destroyed the meaning of an average childhood, a happy childhood. A happy, innocent life. Never asked to be here. Never asked for anything. I created this. And I ran away. I think about how this feeling I have MUST be what it is like to have a weapon fire a round through the chest cavity. It fucking hurts. It burns. It doesn’t ever go away. Like living with a butcher knife protruding from your chest at all times. That was all. I left behind those little fingers and toes, the tiny voice that could speak only a few words…My son’s. A once smiling and happy face I can now imagine had turned indifferent. Hateful. Spiteful. Maybe. He is only two. It’s up to his adult influences to see how hateful and spiteful they can turn him. His life is in chaos.

And it is my fault.

Currently listening: Blood Sugar Sex Magik By Red Hot Chili Peppers Releas

Acupressure Points for Relieving Anxiety and Nervousness.......

Anxiety-related acupressure points
Category: Life

Subject:	Anxiety-..related acupressure points	Body:	..Working on these points can help you get better quicker. You do not have to use all of these points. Using just one or two of them whenever you have a free hand can be effective. Points (A) -- Heavenly Pillar Location: One finger width below the base of the skull on the ropy muscles one-half inches outward from the spine. Benefits: Relieves stress, over exhaustion, insomnia, heaviness in the head, eyestrain, stiff necks, swollen eyes, and sore throats. Points (B) -- Heavenly Rejuvenation Location: On the shoulders, midway between the base of the neck and the outside of the shoulders, one-half inch below the top of the shoulders. Benefits: Relieves nervous tension and stiff necks; increases resistance to colds and flu. It is also good for the lungs. Points (C) -- Crooked Marsh-- on both side of arm Location: On the inside of the arm at the lowerend of the elbow crease when the arm is bent. Benefits: Relieves nervous stomach, anxiety, arm pain, elbow pain, and chest discomfort. Points (D) -- Inner Gate-- on both side of arm Location: In the middle of the inner side of the forearm two and one-half finger widths from the wrist crease. Benefits: Relieves nausea, anxiety, palpitations, and wrist pain. Points (E) -- Spirit Gate-- on both sides of arm Location: On the little finger side of the forearm at the crease of the wrist. Benefits: Relieves emotional imbalances, fear, nervousness, anxiety, and forgetfulness. Points (F) -- Third Eye Point Location: Directly between the eyebrows, in the indentation where the bridge of the nose meets the forehead. Benefits: Calms the body to relieve nervousness. Points (G) -- Sea of Tranquility Location: On the center of the breastbone, three thumb widths up from the base of the bone. Benefits: Relieves nervousness, anxiety, chest tension, anguish, depression, hysteria, and other emotional imbalances. ....