Why does everything always got to be so fucked up?

No matter what I do everything fails. Kurt Cobain said it best, I have never failed to fail.  Despair is what I feel, my son, a bitch for a mom, mother of the year.  Thank you Trix for allowing me yet another place to vent.  Life is a roller coaster of emotions, I am emotionless.  I can't take the pressure or the pain, I want to scream out, but no one would hear me, no one would care, for I am a fucked up individual.  You see the fucked up side, I fucked my guitar as you watched, never have I let anyone watch.  Things seem hopeless, never ending, living on pain pills to ease the mind, addicted to Xanax and Klonopin to ease my soul.  I hope you like my after the darkest times.

There is a person...who can kiss my ass...but she actually wants to kiss my ass...so....Weird...

Photo by Kerri A. Smith

Get up from this set up

Drained of clarity

Yet seeing 20/20

The Words, scars, stars, lies and tears

The bottom of the bucket

W rite, read it to you 

And you listen 

I listen and and you spill your mess

All over my kitchen

Like my words?

Spoken true

Deep as still water; 

Deeper

Than You.

Click. Hangup. 

Jealousy is reeking.

Click, times two.

Mind games and head fucks

unreeling. 

Gaurds Up

Shots Up

Wings down, arms folded

Thumbs tucked

A crazy tie of families

Bound together by a Star

Tolerance for the consumed, 

eaten alive by what they consume

Robbed (of truth)

Missing (pieces)

Stories (changing)

Guards, still poised

I remain at stance

and the mentality is unbreaking

Panicked, nervous and full of fear and adrenaline

The ignited is vanquished 

When you leave

To go back home, again. 

 

Wam, Bam, Thank You, Sam.

Your colors are as true as the kind that come in a bottle
15 minute fix to cover your roots
But it seems that you've buried your whole tree instead.

I used to speak highly of you. Now, drinking nightly, I find fun rhymes to spray about you.
Truth becomes evident as time goes on
And now, I feel malevolence; a storm is coming on.

Hell, Fire, Floods and Battles. Pill Head Husbands. Asshole exes.
I was there.
One moment, when I needed you
You did the favor; and returned a deed
It showed  how much you really cared.

Ask for my help...
Distrusts and judgements never mattered when I helped you
When you needed me
When you needed "huge favors" and blew me off in return
I Helped you
With your life, your kids and all your ruckus.

You're as fucking real as Santa Claus.
You devastate your life
Your kids, are the way they are because of your verbal and emotional strife
Hope that it's all good now,
Things are swell for me
Your ex-boy has become our friend
And we tell him that he did right
When he asked YoU to leave...


-peace-

11:33 p.m. September 17, 2009...Madness

Speak of the Devil;

I puke and I Scream

Through smoke and mirrors

and conversation

Appears this devil, in a dream:

"I'll be your friend. I'll make your world. I"m trustworthy and I'm loyal. And Fuck what you heard."

To the left, on my shoulder

An angel sits

it's panicked

it's eager for violence

IT's silenced, and tells me nothing.

The devil to the right-

In my face, ears, eyes, rib and limbs

Conjures untruths freely

And makes that call to me

Anytime my mind crosses the thought of it...

My head between two anvils -

An angel-

a devil.