Why does everything always got to be so fucked up?

No matter what I do everything fails. Kurt Cobain said it best, I have never failed to fail.  Despair is what I feel, my son, a bitch for a mom, mother of the year.  Thank you Trix for allowing me yet another place to vent.  Life is a roller coaster of emotions, I am emotionless.  I can't take the pressure or the pain, I want to scream out, but no one would hear me, no one would care, for I am a fucked up individual.  You see the fucked up side, I fucked my guitar as you watched, never have I let anyone watch.  Things seem hopeless, never ending, living on pain pills to ease the mind, addicted to Xanax and Klonopin to ease my soul.  I hope you like my after the darkest times.

There is a person...who can kiss my ass...but she actually wants to kiss my ass...so....Weird...

Photo by Kerri A. Smith

Get up from this set up

Drained of clarity

Yet seeing 20/20

The Words, scars, stars, lies and tears

The bottom of the bucket

W rite, read it to you 

And you listen 

I listen and and you spill your mess

All over my kitchen

Like my words?

Spoken true

Deep as still water; 

Deeper

Than You.

Click. Hangup. 

Jealousy is reeking.

Click, times two.

Mind games and head fucks

unreeling. 

Gaurds Up

Shots Up

Wings down, arms folded

Thumbs tucked

A crazy tie of families

Bound together by a Star

Tolerance for the consumed, 

eaten alive by what they consume

Robbed (of truth)

Missing (pieces)

Stories (changing)

Guards, still poised

I remain at stance

and the mentality is unbreaking

Panicked, nervous and full of fear and adrenaline

The ignited is vanquished 

When you leave

To go back home, again. 

 

Wam, Bam, Thank You, Sam.

Your colors are as true as the kind that come in a bottle
15 minute fix to cover your roots
But it seems that you've buried your whole tree instead.

I used to speak highly of you. Now, drinking nightly, I find fun rhymes to spray about you.
Truth becomes evident as time goes on
And now, I feel malevolence; a storm is coming on.

Hell, Fire, Floods and Battles. Pill Head Husbands. Asshole exes.
I was there.
One moment, when I needed you
You did the favor; and returned a deed
It showed  how much you really cared.

Ask for my help...
Distrusts and judgements never mattered when I helped you
When you needed me
When you needed "huge favors" and blew me off in return
I Helped you
With your life, your kids and all your ruckus.

You're as fucking real as Santa Claus.
You devastate your life
Your kids, are the way they are because of your verbal and emotional strife
Hope that it's all good now,
Things are swell for me
Your ex-boy has become our friend
And we tell him that he did right
When he asked YoU to leave...


-peace-

11:33 p.m. September 17, 2009...Madness

Speak of the Devil;

I puke and I Scream

Through smoke and mirrors

and conversation

Appears this devil, in a dream:

"I'll be your friend. I'll make your world. I"m trustworthy and I'm loyal. And Fuck what you heard."

To the left, on my shoulder

An angel sits

it's panicked

it's eager for violence

IT's silenced, and tells me nothing.

The devil to the right-

In my face, ears, eyes, rib and limbs

Conjures untruths freely

And makes that call to me

Anytime my mind crosses the thought of it...

My head between two anvils -

An angel-

a devil.

Jefferson County 'Justice-as-just-does' Center Anxiety; Tuesday Afternoon

Feeling nervous; kids in two
File this motion; Before the ship goes undertow

Knee-deep in madness
([and I] Can't begin the explanation)
Contributing to your sadness-
Sorry, but this victory will be mine 
(Again)

Children born from sticky situations 
of more than one kind
Lead so blindly by a father 
With no extra time

Ask you for a favor-
Your return is an excuse
You question my existence
Just know-
Through all the years - 
I've questioned yours, too.


You'll have to bow down
Suck it up

Pay what you owe;stop delivering blows


THAT shit - is over
That bridge has burnt
The ship  has sunk
From the holes  you punched through it
and now, 
you're sitting  in and sifting through the wet dirt
(Looking for your missing pieces?)
Wondering what went wrong?
For a lot of years, the lyrics have changed
But you've still played me the same song-




-Hit Pause.
I eject the disc
Oh, this was yours, too - 
Here-
You can have it;

It's your repetitive  injuries contained within another's voice; 
swapped for your own silence and swords
I always spoke my own mind 
And you could never understand
(Maybe I should've used smaller words)


So I tilt my glass to smell this wine
This toast - to life becoming good again- 
Is Mine. 
Remain the same, You always did.
Like a broken angel with no wings
Atop an ancient grave, sunlight  beams through shadows; 
casts upon you
Shine through you
and I see that you have stayed unchanged.
Now you're unchained, so , in your travels, good luck
And your girls, they really miss you  much.
Suppose we'll see where the tide lands...Suppose I'll be standing, pacing, screaming while a wait for  the tide to break...
Lessons learned the hard way,
You lost me, You had me, and you fucked up anyway.
Think about yourself
And your ways. 
I've always been the same, 
But you, may never change.

Is That All There Is?

4:47 a.m.

Nearly 25 minutes ago, I welcomed this storm, these claps of thunder; built for Thor, and the illuminating electricity that preceded every crack of this fervent and fevered bellowing.

How suiting.
The rage of this storm, however, did not overshadow the ferocity of the looming maelstrom brewing inside of my gut. My head. My entire being...

Then...
           the downpour.
Electric luminosity touched all the rooftops and the hilltops and seems to threaten to creep into this open window. I hope it does.

Bwa-thump.
My heart.

Purple skies; everything shining at this ridculous hour, sparkling with what I will call 'glittering generality".
Then the rain fell harder.  Streams of water soaked the window and the sill and streaks of high voltage pierced through the sky like some sort of malicious dagger. And came the rain, harder still.
The reverberating boom still did not drown out the sound of my worry.

4:57 a.m.
It looks like daylight. A fleeting glimpse of doomed, repetitive and strobe (day) light. I am still waiting...I consider making my way outside to the front yard and lying in the grass, staring into this wicked storm. Seems tempting. The street fills with water, slowly. But, it is absolutely happening. Slowly. But surely. A moment - only for a moment- does that serious consideration of lying in this lightning storm come back to me. Maybe, it would wash away layers of shroud on the eyes. Maybe it would drown me. And maybe, like most everything: nothing. Nothing at all would happen.

Typical.

Don't know how much longer I will watch and wait. Sleep for an hour, through this evil, unsettling stretch of territorial and torrential flood. It is my own, in many ways...


- fin-

Currently listening: Laced By Reveille Release date: 1999-06-22

untitled 1

The explicitness
The exuberant
       Joyful, sleeping lust
That waits to be awaken
The moment
The times we remember
The times we cannot forget

The times that seem to haunt us
and to never loosen the grip they have
on our souls

Peace to you, dear friend
Be well on your way
Never forget the time that we had

And never
forget
My wicked ways


© 2002 Kerri A. Smith
-2002-