Nearing 1 a.m. on 3-26-2011...
- Some heavy aura weighs on me
it is discomfort
it is self-loathing
it is miscommunication
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| from FileMagazine.com |
Or the complete lack of it.
The urge to write
or to cry
or to scream, profusely
of profane things, in a manner that
I will later find to be
quite embarrassing.
No one feels like they are pretty or beautiful or adored
When they feel shamed, and small
Understated, and weighed-down-heavy.
Like a child scolded for a wrongdoing
That they thought
wasn't wrong.
I cannot rest, as my heart da-thumps. I cannot even think of anything else besides my pent-up words and my reluctance to speak them.
All the love that had surrounded me, had griped about setbacks and then shut the door; closing in their pent up words in the room with them. And in the meantime - the love that always surrounds me, constantly, I had made them crawl under the covers, force them into silence
and shut the door on them.
Funny how it works.
With "Mental Health Days" becoming more frequent, I wonder how I am going to make it through a day, let along a lifetime. I think I need a better method for communicating, disciplining, surviving, and just, well....just Being.
The first instinct I have is to -of course- drink some thing. Self medication.
No, no, no....That is not always so good. I get terrible cases of down syndrome and shit-mouth when I do that and it has often gotten me into awkward and silent situations, with doors being locked and my pride feeling hurt. This weight on my head and heart drains the life from me. I cannot distinguish what I should or shouldn't do at times, because - who knows how it will work out. With good intentions, there is a misfire, like a bullet lodged in the chamber and blowing up in your face. Ha. Got you....Now go wipe your tears and the shame and shit from your face and try again.
Copyright 2011 K. Anne Smith
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